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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 24, 2014, 8:16 AM
Here we go again :)
yesterday I was sitting in the beautiful home that I love. With the family that I love...best times for me.... Yet..i was not enjoying my time at all..I felt so down and depressed. So...I did what I do best..i got up and left..It was as if I was possessed. I could not control myself.. I just got up and left..i felt helpless. just could not not leave. I felt like a zombie. That is why my friends I am an addict. So I left home and went to use. I am addicted to cocaine-MY DOC Binge eating junk food alcohol porn sx masturbation nicotine some other drugs My life now: I am good looking...I have a beautiful home..a nice family..am well off..a wonderful gf and managed a university degree...I am also in good health so why do I do this to myself...why am I trying to do everything to hurt myself? I am an addict...I just am Right now...I am in chains..in prison...in a dark black hole. I got used to this way of life.. I think it is normal...I am not sure what normal is anymore. My identity is built on years of using. I have no identity.. I do not know what normal is. I am in this dark hole and I cannot look outside it. I do not know what is outside it, I got used to it and I think it is a normal way of living. I am neglecting everyone...I live to use...I wake up everyday wait for the time to become 7 p.m so ican go to the pub and drink...I think of nothing else.. I don't pay attention to my family or gf.. I have lost pleasure in everything...I don't like doing anything I keep thinking that I can use over and over again and moderate my use...I become sober for a while then I relapse. I stop using when I feel so low and down and cannot take it anymore . Few weeks into my quit...I completely forget of how bad it was in that black hole...I completely forget everything...and so I think that I am able to have just one drink and moderate my use...and it doesn't last much...within a few weeks....I am back in the lowest grounds of that block hole...I always tend to think that I can drink or smoke pot when I stop my cocaine habit...but the fact is that I cannot.. Today is one my many quits....I will keep writing here so that I can remember how bad it is...my brain is scrambled eggs rt now... so im quitting nicotine...all drugs , booze and porn masturbation and no junk food. I want to be free of chains...of the prison I am in...I want to feel inner peace and calm...I want to want nothingness...just sit on a chair and feel content feel free to help ...comment whatever...much love This post has been edited by soberturtle on August 24, 2014, 8:21 AM | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 24, 2014, 8:50 AM
to increase my chances to stay sober
-I am following a strict diet and will start exercise -going to read as well will change way of thinking -stop hanging out with my so called "using buddies" delete all dealer numbers immediately gradually engage in new activities such as hiking ; my whole lifestyle and way of thinking is to change. try meditation and prayer and attend NA meetings...although I do not like the idea of always attending meetings...they do help on reflecting and offer support.... knowledge is powerful...always read about my addiction I intend to stop other addictions as part of changing my lifestyle which includes stop viewing porn and compulsive musterbation as well as smoking.... some websites I find interesting: yourbrainonporn.com whyquit.com | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 24, 2014, 8:54 AM
the last time I used was yesterday. I did 1.5 grams of cocaine and drank a bottle of whiskey. It ended today morning at around 5 a.m
so my quit date: Sunday 24 August 2014 at 5 a.m was the last date of my use. For me, the day right after I use cocaine...I am generally in a good mood after I have slept after the binge which is how I am right now.... I fear what is coming in the next few days....severe downs and roller-coaster | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 25, 2014, 8:15 AM
woke up today...slept 14 hours
I am so down depressed unmotivated guilty I do not feel like doing anything ...just feel like t.v and binge eating all day I managed not to drink yesterday or any cocaine use. I smoked cigarettes today...although I intend to quit nicotine...but I had to...they tasted like s***...will try again today...most important is to avoid booze and drugs.. | ||
Posts: 5
Joined: August 14, 2014
Posted: August 25, 2014, 4:09 PM
Hey soberturtle
I was much like you: family, great job, lots of "things"..........so.....you want to know when the craving left me? When I let go of "goodies" and let me "GOD" grab hold. For me it was a case of addition by subtaction. Less crappy ways, more happy days. If you need someone to listen, shoot me your email and I ll be glad to. Remember a problem shared is a problem cut in half. -------------------- Stop running. Let God catch you. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 27, 2014, 8:36 AM
When you are ready to fully surrender .... when you are beaten, look up the number for Narcotics Anonymous (NA) in your phone book and call them.
They have all been right where you are and can/will help you. All the best. Bob R. -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 27, 2014, 10:46 AM
Relapse relapse
couldn't last a day will try again tomorrow... seems as if I live to use I wake up everyday thinking of going to the pub and drinking and of white powder. you know what bothers me.....I know I am an addict and I know its causing me a lot of trouble but I enjoy using ....I really do enjoy using and I have been an addict for a decade and I enjoy using....t that b o t h e r s me | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 27, 2014, 11:44 AM
We have to come to the point where the pain of using is greater than the enjoyment.
When you arrive at that point then re-read my post above. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf All the best. Bob R This post has been edited by Papa Bear on August 27, 2014, 11:45 AM -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 27, 2014, 5:20 PM
I need out... i have been sober before and it felt beautiful
This is not nice....i am in a trap I am high right now....not my DOC(cocaine) but i drank and smoked weed...i am having fun but in the moment i sit and think that sober is much much nicer....appreciating a book....or randomly talking eith a stranger The brain keeps playing games and does selective thinking and remembers the good times only I want to b sober I THANK ALL OF YOU THAT OFFER ADVISE AND COMMENTS...IT IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 27, 2014, 5:22 PM
I have realized i am only nice and in a good mood when i use....otherwise i am grumpy and in a bad mood. ...i appreciate and feel no pleasure from nothing....
Why not be sober....why not be free? Why do i need fuking substance | ||
Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: August 28, 2014, 12:47 AM
If I May.....
First I am impressed that you keeping coming back, that's a good sign. But.... You say you only feel good when you're, "grumpy" when you're sober. Yes coke will do that to you. A few days clean and that will start to change. are you man enough to go a few days, better yet a week without-start now, let's see how you do. Oh and you haven't been relapsing, because you haven't changed. You're just using with moments of sobriety. I was like you a few years back, then I got worse. addiction does and you will, unless you change-start now. The best things in life are free. what's addiction costing you? Guess how much sobriety is? Be Well, Larry -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644 
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 7:45 AM
Hello Hamilton; thx for the reply :) ...I see where you are coming from when you advice me to find God....I hope I can...I really do...tell me more on how you came to connect,,,,
Hi Papa Bear, I have been to NA meetings and they have indeed helped me, However I did not follow the 12 steps and get a sponsor and use the tools and so on.... I am not really sure NA is for me....I still have to decide on that....I do like to go to meetings every once in a while and they really do benefit me , but I am not sure I want a lifetime commitment to the program. Again, I have yet to decide..Again , thx for your concern and reply. Hi Larrylive, Thank you for replying :) ... Indeed it is easy to become clean and not use drugs , but the hardest part is after the using stops....how do I become sober? Life becomes well life. I need a way to change all my lifestyle and appreciate life in other ways...easier said than done....what do you think...what worked for you? was abstinence enough? | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 1:56 PM
I am not craving cocaine tonight but alcohol....i feel like drinking a lot ...my gf is here and all i can think of is being somewhere else drinking ...i can not stand bring here...
Drinking puts me in a good mood sometimes I keep asking myself : do i have to be miserable while using to stop because apparently i enjoy using | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 28, 2014, 5:12 PM
Recovery (my recovery and millions of others) is well described here:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf AA/NA for most of us is the last house on the block .. but it works for me. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 18
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 12:40 AM
Hello sober turtle
I completely can relate. Used coke, crack, alcohol and weed a lot. For 12 years. It is very zombie- like, without even really thinking about it I'm already on my way.... What has worked for me these 6 whole days (oooooooohhhhh...Lol) is each day I've said"no, today I am not going to use. Maybe tomorrow, but not today..." I hope I get to the point where I can say not even tomorrow, but for now this is working for me. Email me if you ever want to chat instead of getting high or drunk. ean 11@msn.com | ||
Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 1:38 AM
Hi soberturtle
Do not give up. Find what works and what will help you get clean. You can also mail me lily202@outlook.com I won't give you much advice but I will tell a bit of when I got clean after my relapse with heroin. A very good friend of mine commited suicide with rat poison when he was drunk while being on anti-depressants and sleeping pills. He was taking those due to his son killed in an accident a few months before. The poison was so little and extremely expired but it did its work due to the alcohol level in him. As soon as I found out and I could hightail it to my dealer I got myself a big bag of heroin to dose the pain and anger I felt towards him. During that time I made more frequent visits to my dealer and to someone who knew how dear my friend was to me. | ||
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Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 1:44 AM
crap sorry something strange happend there
Anyways during all of this the only person that knew that I use to use heroin get checking up on me to see that I am fine and that I won't relapse. That person to this day still don't know that I relapsed, I didn't want to hurt that person again as I did the previous time. After a month that my friend died it just shocked me how little I felt about him being gone. I hated every bit of myself and I decided that I don't want to be this heartless b*tch this drug is bringing out of me. That if I didn't stop I wouldn't probably end the same road as my friend and I have to many people that I don't want to dissapoint or hurt like he has done to those around him. To this day I have not gone back to heroin. Keep the strong and I will pray for you. Just try to pray one day and see what God will bring on your road. x | ||
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Posts: 176
Joined: August 24, 2014
Posted: August 30, 2014, 4:45 AM
cannot take it anymore...
cannot use anymore im drained...I am so tired ... will try to get by today without using in the evening day 1.... | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 30, 2014, 8:02 AM
NA's number is in the phone book when you are ready.
You will meet lots of folks who have been right where you are and have found the way out. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posts: 433
Joined: December 14, 2009
Posted: August 30, 2014, 12:49 PM
Soberturtle,
If you can't put a week or two together, you may want to consider rehab. If you can't (won't) do that I suggest you try asking God for help. But that's a commitment not to be taken lightly, if you're serious. Either way a complete lifestyle change is in order, I found working with God favorable, The rewards are miraculous. Be well, Larry -------------------- All gods send their drunks to AA My story.. https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=16&t=63644
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