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Posts: 2
Joined: August 25, 2016
Posted: August 25, 2016, 1:59 AM
Today I realized I must begin to begin. I had my first drink in 1970 with my soon to be husband at the age of 16. I learned to love the feeling of being high. We drank all the time. He was just out of the army and I was still in high school. I got pregnant, we got married and drinking was just what we did. This went on for our entire marriage, which lasted about 12 years. I moved on to weed, coke, heroin and recently oxycontin. I stopped everything but drinking beer. I stopped coke, heroin, weed, hard liquor, but beer and oxycontin seem to have me hooked.
I am tired, so tired. I have been drinking a six pack a day, plus several glasses of wine, This has been for the last year. I am 60+ years old and it is beginning to take a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. I've just have to stop! I just have to. I have all kinds of reasons why I drink and do pills, low self esteem, childhood trauma, terrible marriage, bad choices all the way around, but when is enough enough? My hubby, who had bypass surgery last year this time, just told me I am doing entirely too much.We started doing the pills together, he has chronic pain, but he has stopped, even thou he still is prescribed 84 15mg per month. I am afraid of withdrawal. I have never been physically addicted to anything except beer before. But, somehow I must find the strength to stop. I think my primary addiction is emotional. I take about 6 a day, max is 180 mg a day so far. I was trying to find some online help and came upon this site. Praying for some advice, motivation whatever we help me start this process of healing. I work in the human services field in a fairly small community, so going to meetings may not be the best thing for my job at this time. But, if I can't do this alone, I will have to start somewhere. I have been reading and some of the post have really inspired me to do better. I am going to try the taper off method with the pills, but my drug of choice is the beer. I know that is my waterloo. Not sure what withdrawal looks like with beer, but my intake has increased dramatically in the last six months. I think the pills are part of the reason. I am venting and trying to get my feelings out so I can really take some type of control of my life. I think I hit my personal rock bottom this week end at a friends cook out. I don't know what happened but, I know that my fiends are very disappointed and with me. I wish someone would tell me just what I did or said. I have a habit of getting on the phone high and not being aware of what I've said or done. These last two years have been brutal, death, sickness and employment problems. My husband seems to think we are doing better than ever, but he is coming from " I had heart surgery and I am glad to be alive". I had to take care of him, fearful that he might not make it, I lost a dear family member who I am not sure I helped in her final days. I feel a lot of guilt. Thanks for reading, I will be posting my progress. I have to pick a date to stop drinking. I am hungover as I type, but if I had another beer, I would drink it. It's all I can do not to open a bottle of wine. I am smoking forward to a day without a drink or a pill. I don't think I remember what that feels like. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: August 25, 2016, 8:47 AM
I was given some control of my life when I admitted I was powerless.
Commitment to AA can give you your life back the same as it does for me and millions of others . When you attend the meetings you will see that you are not such a strange bird either- you are a garden variety alcoholic like the rest of us and AA will help you. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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