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Posted: June 29, 2016, 7:12 PM
Not sure what to say really. Started off bad, then with some wonderful advise and kind words from here started to move forward. Very slowly started thinking that my issues weren't really as bad as i'd thought, that it was just a stupid rough patch, that actually drinking (just when I want to - socially) would be okay. But price on each occasionnthatbi can't stop. All I've learnt is to hide it better. Pace myself more, hide the bottles better.......I'm
Now back to drinking everyday......last time I WANTED to stop, but right now I don't.....well I DO because I know I need help ....but I can't accept that this relationship with alcohol is over. I don't know why but it's just too hard right now. I have thought about AA meetings but just can't go.....I'm quite well known in my area and just feel like going to a meeting would be just exposing myself too much..I know it's supposed to be "anonymous" but at the same time I don't trust that would be the case, once it's out there is no going back Sorry for my rambling post, just stuck! | ||
Posts: 6374
Joined: January 5, 2008
Posted: June 30, 2016, 3:08 PM
Hi Lola. welcome to the board. I understand how you are feeling. When I had to admit my problem to everyone it was quite difficult. then when i had to go to a treatment center that was even more difficult because now everyone in the small town that I lived in knew. In my self centered shame and pride tho my daughter said something that really stuck with me and gave me the strength to get the help that I needed..she told me that the opinons of others would not mean a thing when she would be looking at me in my coffin..because that is where I was headed and she was right.. what others think about me is none of my business..WHAT MATTERS is today i am living a sober life and a very much apart of the lives of my children and grandchildren. sad to say I have known others that have not been so fortunate..Maybe it was pride, maybe it was the unwillingness to admit a problem , whatever the reason they are not around for that second chance at life.. Ask yourself .what are you worth? what are you worth to your family? yourself? there is life after addiction...I had my first drunk at age 14 my last at age 53 ..I have been living the sober life now for 6 years in August..I am grateful my family did not have to look at me in that coffin.. I am grateful that I took the advice and the help that I needed..I am grateful to be alive! you can do it..it basically comes down to you or your disease and which one you want to win.....
-------------------- Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: June 30, 2016, 10:01 PM
Lola, you are right.
Once it's out there there is no going back. That's the scary part - you are committed. I felt the same as you and I have attended meetings with the Chief of police, ministers, teachers, doctors, a priest from the Vatican, the most successful businessman in our area and pretty well everyone else. There really is only one thing that will get you through the doors of AA and that is pain. It is well described in AA's "Daily Reflection" book for Jan 16. http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...=2016&m=01&d=16 You are no different than millions of other AAs out there and you won't find that out until you go to the meetings. I hope you don't suffer too much more before you go. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: July 4, 2016, 12:10 PM
I understand all what you're conflicted about.
Have I made a mountain of a mole hill? Certainly thought that and justified my next drunk with it. There are no final decisions so going or not going to a mtg sets no precedent you can't break. However, if you are an alcoholic and the true nature of your malady is revealed in or out of a mtg, the drinking will never quite be the same, at least not in my case. Like papa bear said- pain is the touchstone of change and personal growth, for me regarding drinking. If the day comes where to drink is to die, you won't care who sees you in a mtg and who doesn't. You're on your path whether that leads to drinking or not drinking. No right or wrong in my opinion. Good luck. 
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Posted: July 7, 2016, 7:32 PM
Thank you so much for your replies.......reading them makes me feel emotional, I guess because I feel "understood". I think I'm definitely in some sort of weird in between phase....I know I can do it, but At the same time it seems too much. I know it seems drastic but I'm considering going to a meeting a good drive away from where I am, maybe then I might feel people don't know me, I might be able to talk freely as I can on here. Even if I could make just 1 meeting and get my foot in the door......
I'm just feeling so isolated its like I'm living a double life... | ||
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 7, 2016, 8:44 PM
Go to the meeting. You will feel at home there in no time.
All the best. Bob -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: July 10, 2016, 12:19 PM
Find a meeting in another area, not so local. Yes, when I was in NarAnon, other parents did that to minimize the probability of seeing someone they know.
You may have to try out a few groups until you find the one you click with? About wanting to, not wanting to. Most of this is 90% mental. Talk yourself into quitting. plan your thoughts.... when your brain goes to thinking about negative thoughts STOP, make yourself think about something else. retrain your brain. Plan an activity, hobby, community service to get out of the habitual patterns of your day. If your day permits, stop at a public walking park or school track on the way to or from work. or from the habit of having too much down time at home. Make your day simple, so you are not overwhelmed by too much to do. This is a life change. Start the steps to change your life. pace yourself. exercise is free, dont need a gym. jump rope, swim, whatever you can muster up doing. and then plan something to do with the energy you have so you dont sit down and reward yourself with a drink! I know it is hard to make yourself do things you dont feel like doing. all of it is easier said... This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on July 10, 2016, 12:32 PM | ||
Posts: 86
Joined: April 16, 2014
Posted: July 11, 2016, 8:29 AM
Lola, you're right. Actually I've been going through from a similar situation. Can't go for AA, since my neighbors most people also visits there. Now I'm looking for a different place to attend for AA.
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 11, 2016, 3:16 PM
You can't go to AA because your neighbors are there !!??
Do you not think they know what you are ? ....... I never minded who saw me drunk - why all of a sudden am I so paranoid about folks seeing me get sober? We truly are our own worst enemy. -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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