Im Not Going Crazy, Im An Alcoholic
Posted: January 8, 2014, 1:29 PM

Posts: 58
Joined: June 16, 2013

"you think that you are your thoughts, dont you?"
"well yeah, am i not?"
"NO, your just the idiot that listens to them."

This is from one of the speaker cd's that my sposor gave me to listen to, and i did, over and over again. And like my sponsor I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me. When all health issues that I was convinced was wrong were proven to be false I started to question my sanity. I thought that I was going crazy.
The anxiety was so severe I would get stopped in my tracks and couldnt move. I would catch glimpses of things moving out of the corner of my eyes, especially when i would back out of my driveway for some reason.
The depression got so bad that I spent 2 weeks on my couch, only got up to get some liquor in me so that i would go numb.
When i finally went to the doctor i told him that the best discription of inside my head would be that its just like the movie The Matrix. It never shut off, my thoughts were uncontrollable and constant, and when i closed my eyes it got worst and literally looked like the part of the movie where he is in "the matrix". I am not a big fan of the movie or anything, just a great comparison to what was going on.
He gave me various meds because I wasnt honest with him about my drinking, why would i be, right?
Well those medications and my alcohol consumption were very obviously not to blend together to well. The rabbit hole got deeper.

It was and still is AA, my sponsor, you guys and most importantly God that told me "hey maybee your just a drunk, do this and that, dont drink and see what happens". Amazing how we can make something so simple so hard at first.
Today my greatest enemy, my mind, is my greatest asset. It still runs 24/7 but my sponsor told me and showed me how to direct it up. I am constantly in recovery mode now instead of constant fear and wanting to drink it away.

So Karraster this avatar was chosen for this reason. I think its a good expression of what it was like and what it is like now. Instead of putting on glasses, I do what you did and I am getting what you seemed to have to me. Peace of Mind. Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.
God bless you all!
Posted: January 8, 2014, 5:00 PM

Posts: 5917
Joined: January 5, 2008

Hey there daddy...I can relate to your post.. It still amazes me how much all of our stories are alike..different in one way but identical in another. your post took me down memory lane... so glad it is just a memory and not my reality anymore...Good to see that you come here and carry the message.:)

Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need
Posted: January 9, 2014, 10:44 AM

Posts: 58
Joined: June 16, 2013

It is my only desire that someone will read something from us and see that they are NOT ALONE!
Posted: January 10, 2014, 4:42 AM

Posts: 430
Joined: May 5, 2012

Daddy that was a great share, and I can relate to it as I'm sure many can. It was Pirate who first said to me that alcohol is a demon to alcoholics. It was certainly true for me, and a scary place to be. Substances really do a number on our brains, and being addicted brings about wrong thinking upon more wrong thinking. I am thankful that I was brought lo, because it is for that I cried out. We are all deceived in some points, and life has meaning far beyond human comprehension. Ironic truth, what we feed most is what we hunger for most.

Stay sober and walk steadfast my brother. I get the matrix connection, and we are awake! It's a shock at first, cos that's when all the masks come off. I never want to be afraid of truth again.Love ya~k
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