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Posted: January 29, 2015, 7:19 PM
Where to start, I'm 18 years old and since the age of 12 I've been drinking at least twice a week which grew to around 5 times since then I only drink about 3 times a week. When I drink, I drink till I drop, it's usually fuled by cocaine.
I've been cutting myself since I was 13, cutting, putting cigs out on me, burning with a lighter, when I first started people found out, since then I got a lot better at it. I used to be chubby, not fat of over weight just chubby, now I'm very skinny and some days will only eat about one meal. I used to talk to my best friend about it when we where younger but I got older and convinced him I stopped, I think he knows but doesn't care enough to mention it, I'm thankfull for it really. I'm new to this forum and I'm not sure if I'm posting the wrong thing but I just want to know how to get on the road to recovery. I've quit drugs before but that just leads to worse self harming over he next couple of weeks, I just disgust myself. Its sounds ridiculous but sometimes I can't even look myself in the mirror. I just seem to find myself with a razor in one hand and a spliff in the other. The worst part about it is I'm a f*****, like I'm a man, I fight, I drink, I watch the footy, I even f*** girls to keep up impressions but the more I f*** the emptier sex is. I used to be a rent boy as well to fund my drug addiction as a kid, when I was 15 I was taking a mix of Mkat MDMA pills cocaine sleepers smoking weed and later ket speed and legal pill's as well. I used to steal as a kid with my friends and I convinced myself its normal behaviour for a while. When I'm at work I laugh all the time and feel happy just like when I'm with friends but I can't have fun and be happy whilst I'm sober but recently I've been getting depressed when I'm on my own, I've been sleeping with my friends sister and my other friends brother, I never wear a condom, I take risks and the thing that scares me is 90℅ of the time I don't care, only when I smoke weed and feel massive anxiety do I even care about what I am. Usually I just don't think about it. When I think about who and what I am I'm usually proud, I can take more drugs than other people, I'm quick and witty, I'm not good looking but I have my admirers. This sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself and whatever but to be honest, I'm just curious about what someone thinks about me from what I've said I mean, since I was a kid I've known no different now I'm so unsure of myself I go home and look for reasons to cut myself, if suicide wasn't for pussies I'd already be gone I mean even if I fix the drugs, even if I do stop self harming I won't be able to fix that I'm gay and I'll never be able to accept that I hate mincing little puffs and you can even tell with the manly ones you can't tell at all with me I should be normal. | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: January 29, 2015, 7:27 PM
If you quit taking the drugs what do you think of yourself?
It makes no difference what I think of you, what does the clean/sober you think of you? I had some serious mental & emotional problems when I came to recovery in 1989, I had been suicidal for many years before that and it took a while to get beyond those thoughts. A 90 day recovery home stint and right into AA/NA has done the trick since '89. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: May 21, 2015, 3:05 PM
Hi Matt
I have to agree with papabear on this. Curiosity can get the worst out of us... if you want to talk. I am on I think almost 30 days of not self harming give or take a few days. I generally don't talk on here so much but I keep a recovery dairy to help with what I can't tell people face to face Lily xx ***Please do not post personal contact information. Thank you, the moderators*** | ||
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