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Posts: 13
Joined: October 4, 2014
Posted: October 4, 2014, 3:26 PM
umm im a bit shy posting this actually. I am not the typical rape victim, my feelings are not typical rape feelings and i had many years to convince myself this was not in my head what was happening to me. my post may be offensive to some rape victims so please understand this is not a joke or in any way do i not take rape seriously or see myself as less of a victim. also i expect some skepticism and critisism of my story so i hope you will show some understanding. the story may be long
ok here it goes i first met lets call him jake when i was 16 i was about his age and still a virgin. he was charming, sweet and funny as well as highly intelligent. he would play tricks on me he would hide himself and jump out whille i was getting dressed and he would walk naked around me cause he loved seeing how uncomfortable it made me. we were friends. fast forward a few months later. jake got me to give him my first hand j i didnt know what i was doing and i thought it strange. we were caught out and when the guy left the room jake said quote you are really stupid which made me think he tricked me some how. i felt embarrased and was angry for a few weeks. somehow though we were friends we ended up eventually getting together he would get me to give him head j and he would promise to pleasure me or have sex. i did so willingly and he rarely pleasured me or had sex he would make me do it. we were seeing each other casually a couple of years. he would get me to give him head j and always promise pleasure he would insult me and he would make me swallow pills or whatever he thought was funny. i dont know why i did it. he even got me cheating with him. a couple more years this continued about 8 years. he would play tricks. trick me into giving him head j, steal money, con me, insult me and occasionly hit me it wasnt until one night i once again was telling him that it was over. usually he would say its ok if i have my d**k out or he would grab me and start fing me until i just gave in though i said i didnt want it and tried to escape but he would hold me down then id give him h**d willingly that particular night i told him it was over no more h**d and then we got drunk and he said it was ok for us to play strip and i did cause i was drunk and then i remember him foggily carrying me to the bedroom he asked me where the condom was and i told him in the drawr i felt him f***g me and immedietly passed out the next day i was angry and upset i felt violated but wasnt sure if it was rape because i told him where the condom was. then came the incidences where i would tell him no h**d then he took out his c**k and said im just airing it out and he wouldnt leave or put it away. then he would grab my hand and after some persuasion he would put his c**k in my mouth and i would close my teeth then he would either leave it and c*m on me whille holding me down or he will hold me down slap my face trying to get me to open dig into my jaw and when it did open he would face f**k me so i couldnt breath then my teeth would be cutting my lips. if i ever got the chance to tell him to stop or he was hurting me he would ignore me he also once kept throwing cold water at me and throwing my clothes away so he could film me then he made me say i was a slut his favourite word for me. i dont know why i gave in over cold water but i said it and was crying the whole time. btw he also eats all my food and lets me starve for the week butts out on my couch and makes a mess and pees in the sink and even made me drink his pee tricking me. just so you know what kind of guy he is. ok the problem is that sometime during this i have been getting turned on by fantasies and memories of what he does to me. i fantasise about rape. I dream about being raped he even made me look at pics of beast*** and young and i think maybe younger but he says there 18. he also put kiddy porn on my computer i called the police and he thinks its funny. hes trying to convince me that i like that because its funny to him. now im dreaming about those things to in a sexual context and i hate it. ive been raped and i dont like it i feel upset and angry but also turned on i dont feel the need to shower and i dont want to stay away from him every time i am upset or horney i will contact him. every time he contacts me he some how goes past my defences. ive told him to f off ive reported him for rape but cant do anything but put a report down incase anyone else is raped i cant charge him because my story isnt beleivable as rape especially since i go back to him. my problem is i am totally addicted to him to the point i convince myself i can live with what he is doing to me that i can somehow be that slave to him with no self respect for herself or her house. i have tried to forcefully get him out of my life but my mind is always on jake. its gotten to the point that i feel no other male can satisfy me and that jake can but he wont. as he will never have sex with me or touch me as i am to ugly and fat according to him it almost got me anorixic. though i am actually a desirable woman. ok i hope that got the story accross im not sure if i communicated well enough what the problem is if anyone has had a similar experience or has some hopefully not to harsh advice as i am very fragile right now please comment below. | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011
Posted: June 12, 2015, 7:01 PM
starlia,
You should get counseling to see why it is that you let this person use you the way he does. There are many fantasies to be had but they shouldn't make you feel used or violated. He doesn't seem to really care about you at all as a person but uses you as someone who may satisfy his sexual urges. What happened to your wants and needs? It looks like he took them all for himself. I am sorry no one chose to respond to you sooner. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. granny -------------------- I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA. STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial] | ||
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