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Posts: 1
Joined: January 5, 2014
Posted: January 5, 2014, 11:16 PM
I was 18 when I had my first sex, and it was with a prostitute. It happened during a holiday, and I remember saying to myself just before going to the escort; "For me, this is the only way to do this, and sooner or later I will to do it anyway, so I'll do it young, I'll do it today", and so I went, and I did it... since then, I have paid for sex over 20 times.
It is not good, my understanding of how bad it is, evolves after every time I do it. At first it made me feel only bad with no knowledge of further consequences, then I started feeling worthless and useless, and today, I finally realise how much it has actually affected me. I hit the ground, the bottom, but I didn't fail and I am still willing to get up. I wish it was that easy though, through the history of my early childhood, where my father both physically and mentally abused my mum, where my mother to this day says I am like my father and all men are the same and only want sex, it all creates enormous care and hatred towards women. I visit prostitutes knowing that I won't hurt an innocent person by having sex with them. If I pay for sex, I will feel more comfortable with doing so, knowing that it's the person's decision to offer such services. As a human being, and a male, I have my needs, and I would feel bad using just any girl just for sex, I would not want to destroy the person's mentally. Although I seek a true connection, love, romance and sex with the special person more than just the sex itself, its impossible. I hate women at the same time. I do not approach them, I avoid talking to them. When I go shopping, I will rather talk to a male than a female staff (I am not gay, I am attracted to women, and they are ultimately beautiful). When I talk to a girl, I always tell myself in the head that she probably thinks that I want/expect something from her, and that she thinks "He's hitting on me, what an as***le" or "what a pervert" . I cannot talk to a girl just casually, like I could with a friend because I always think this. Most of the girls I got to know always complain about their partners, how they cheat on them how they abuse them, but they keep going back together. I know I could be good, I know I could offer everything I have, I could make her truly happy yet no girl would ever want it, I was never given even one chance. This is why, I hate them even more. I truly hate them. These two things, care for women as of my childhood history, and hatred towards them as of my experience overwhelm me. I cannot cope, and this is where the never ending circle begins - I visit hookers, I regret it, I lose money, I get in debts, I drop my education, I lose my point and purpose in life. I want to die. I get lost and hopeless, I ultimately know, I will stay on my own. I cannot imagine myself in a relationship, it's impossible! My brain is so DAMAGED SO MUCH I WILL NEVER EVEN CONSIDER BEING WITH SOMEONE ! .......................no............... it's just a lie. I truly want to be happy. I am trying, its an addiction I have to fight first. Thank you for reading. | ||
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