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New Wife And New Step Mom


Posts: 1
Joined: January 27, 2015


Posted: January 28, 2015, 12:27 AM
Help, Lost and Alone:
I married my second husband after my first died of a heart attack. I came into the marriage thinking things were good. After 2-3 weeks I realized things were definitely wrong. My step son had zero boundaries. He had been allowed to talk however he wanted and do whatever. I had raised 2 good children/adults now. I.could not understand my husband tolerating such bad behavior-stealing and drinking, skipping school and lying at 13. When we told him we were getting married he said nothing. He said before that he liked me and I was good. After he had someone say in front of everyone at our reception he did not want us to be married. I was embarrassed and floored. He proceeded for 5 years to do anything he could to separate us. My husband said nothing. I tried to express what was happening. I don't know if I was believed. My stepson stole money, prescription drugs and belongings, not his. He admitted to drinking as early as 12. I forgot to mention he was adopted. His stepmother died earlier. I tried to give him a break but the more I gave the more he took. I sat and watched him cry and say mean. Things to both of us and later be the most hateful person. I asked could I hug him. I told him I loved him. He used it to hurt me. My husband asked me to leave so they could have time. I said no I am your wife my place is here. We went to rehabs, therapist, psychologist you name it we tried it again and again. The last straw after my husband said he couldn't come back but took him back 2x against my wishes he wrote the most obscene message on my phone. I was done. Did I mention that the police practically lived at our house. I cannot list all that has happened, too much. My husband and I finally agreed at 18 yrs and 6 months he would move to a apt and go to comm college with money husband had saved. Well he didn't stay in school tried everything to get at my husband. Made many threats and finally left to go to live with a relative. He had just months ago went to live with a relative who thought they could do better. Wrong, they said he couldn't stay. So here I am constantly battering with my husband about him.. He has guilt I know, me too. My husband throws up to me it's my fault. He has told me to get out. I love my husband but the verbal abuse is getting hard to take. Why does it have to be like this? We both know he had to decide to get help and stick to it. We cannot live in this merry go round. We have been to marriage counseling but it always turned to stepson. Nothing changed. My husband said one day if he dies he blames me. He always says he's sorry but it happens again. I guess I needed to vent but this just scratches the surface. Stepson is almost 20. We just got a call from police he did hit and run. Will it never end. I want to live a life with my husband. Will he ever let go? He never had his son respect me. I want this to work. Help if you can with any words.


Posts: 7
Joined: April 1, 2015


Posted: April 1, 2015, 2:26 PM
Sounds like your husband needs to take an honest look at the difference between love and enabling. The kid should be kicked out. It may sound mean but he will have to learn the hard way. Sometimes tough love is the best love. Buying him an apartment is one thing, but paying his rent is not. The kid should be working to pay for his own rent, then going to school if he chooses. If he wants to do whatever he wants then he should be thrown out to literally do what he wants. If he truely wants to do anything he needs a job. I think your husband is having trouble letting go of his little boy and needs to try some acceptance that he can't change thing. The best thing for everyone is to put the kid in an apartment (month to month apartment so YOUR credit isn't messed up if he gets evicted) after he has found a job. I think he should have, say, two weeks to find a job until all outside help is cut off. This is the only way he will ever grow up. It will make you and your husband happier too. Your husband, especially. Sounds like your husband could use some principle taught in Al-anon, even if his son isn't a drug user.....the principles would still apply. Hope this helps. It is just my opinion so I hope nothing is too rash and hopefully not offensive....

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[FONT=Geneva][COLOR=blue]M. Kalli
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